20 Things to Know About Southerners

  1. We are extremely loyal people, but most especially to our frying pans. We have mastered the art of frying just about anything the good Lord gave us. Tomatoes, green beans, chicken, fish, okra, oreos, ice cream, snickers, and cheesecake to name a few. If you can eat it, you can fry it.
  2. Southerner’s often delight in a cold glass of iced sweet tea, as per the universal expectation. It’s the nectar of the Gods down in those parts.
  3. If you don’t like sugar it’s going to take us a little bit longer to build our trust in you.
  4. The South has its own version of English and I do believe being able to properly speak the Southern dialect should count on a résumé as speaking a foreign language. If you can define words like ain’t, y’all, awfully, Bammer, britches, cattywampus, conniption fit, critter, dawg-awnit, dern, gol-darned, hafta, high-falutin, holler, ida claire, little-bitty, ornery, ruckus, swaller, tarnation, tuckered out, yonder, or young’uns, then by golly you’re fluent in Southern and you should carve out a space for that on your résumé.
  5. If its not monogrammed, its not worth your time.
  6. We are always prepared for a guest. Every good southern household has a homemade cake and fresh pitcher of sweet tea on standby, should Betty Lou decide to stop in to tell you that she saw the Thatcher’s boy cutting Margaret Mae’s grass again today, which is the second week in a row he has cut her grass and that means that her husband Junior must be out of town again, doing Lord knows what.
  7. This is the land of Ma’ams and Sirs. It is our way of showing respect, so if you would like some, I’d suggest throwing a Ma’am (for women) or Sir (for men) on the back of any ‘Yes’ you give, otherwise you might be bagging your own groceries.
  8. ‘Up the road’ can mean anywhere from one minute to an hour, so you are best to be more precise with your question from the ‘get go’.
  9. Its not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy.
  10. If you are driving down the road and happen to pass a battle taking place in the field next to you, don’t be alarmed. It’s a fake one. We haven’t gotten over the Civil War yet and it’s a favorite southern pastime to dress up like Civil War soldiers and reenact the battles. Southern therapy.
  11. We love equipment, and particularly of the yard variety. In fact, yard equipment often gets more space on the property than the actual house.
  12. Southerners like a good buffet.
  13. We are extremely hospitable people and will give you the shirts off our back or that extra dollar at the grocery store if you realize you are short of change at the checkout.
  14. The southern police force are sneaky ole cusses. You’ll often find em’ hiding out behind a tree or around a bend in the road, ready to catch you speeding. They don’t take speeding lightly down there and the fines are proof of that. I once got pulled over for going 4 miles over the speed limit on the highway and the police officer had me get out of my car and sit in his while he was running my name through the system to make sure I was a law-abiding citizen. Meanwhile, his Doberman pincher was sitting in the back seat breathing down my neck. Four miles over the speed limit. You’d be better off to follow the law while down in Dixie.
  15. There are three sacred letters down South. Almost as sacred as the Bible. They are S E C. I am aware that for the majority of you reading this, you may have drawn a blank look on your face. But for the Southerner’s (and yes, I am capitalizing Southerner), they have already ‘hollered’ their battle cry while reading the last two sentences, e.g., Woooooo Pig Sooie or Go Dawgs (you know who you are). To Southerners, SEC doesn’t stand for Securities and Exchange Commission like it does for the rest of the world. For Southerners, SEC stands for South Eastern Conference and it is the most tradition rich football (American football) conference in the country. It is interwoven in the cultural fabric of the southern states, so between the months of September and December, ladies either paint their faces in school colors and stand by their man or join the local Saturday afternoon quilting club.
  16. This brings me to the next Southern tradition worth noting. It’s called tailgating. Tailgating is the supreme Southern party. Where does it take place? On or around the tailgate of a vehicle in a parking lot. How much fun can partying on a tailgate in a parking lot be? LOTS. When does it take place? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5+ hours prior to the game, depending on your dedication to getting stupid drunk. This is an important part of any sporting event or concert and where the ‘meeting of the minds’ takes place. Lots and lots of alcohol is consumed at tailgate parties and people usually bring portable grills, tables and chairs to add to the parking lot ambience. There is a new trend taking place whereby people send out invitations to their tailgate party prior to the game. As ridiculous as it may sound, it’s a blast of a time and well worth an afternoon of your life.
  17. Don’t ask where the recycling bin is. The entire neighborhood will be talking about your Yankee ass by sundown.
  18. The cut off jean short is alive and well in Georgia.
  19. … and Southerners have no problem going to the store in pajamas and slippers. Or Civil War uniforms, for that matter.
  20. We like to build our front porches big enough for some furniture to fit on them. If its not big enough for an actual couch, then whatever you put on it better rock or swing. Don’t even think for a second of putting a straight chair on a front porch.

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